guess who’s back…

Hi! I know it’s been forEVer since I posted something coherent. It’s before 11am, so here’s hoping I can do coherent. Ready…go!

WHERE HAVE I BEEN: Okay. So, I moved out of Jennifer’s and back home. It was sort of mutual, but mostly not. It was mostly Mom and Jennifer fostering my move and me bawling and cutting and feeling like there was absolutely no point in living. I haven’t seen Jennifer since I moved, but we talk. We’re supposed to still be besties, but I’m not sure. But it’s okay, even if we aren’t as close as we were. Time to learn how to be my own person. Helps to not be doing anything else. No job (looking…I just don’t want to work fast food or call centers. So…custodial, again?), no school (supposed to go back in May, but maybe I’ll wait until August. We’ll see.), living at home, broke as…a broke person who’s lucky enough to not really have any bills right now. I’m feeling kind of spoiled, and then I start thinking about more responsibility and I have a major panic attack. I guess that means we’ll stick with the chauffeuring brothers around and trying to keep my space clean (seriously so much harder than it should be. Why do I crave mess so much?) and doing admin-y stuff for YMF.

NEWS: I am going through early menopause? But not. Something about a possible disconnect between my pituitary and my ovaries. More blood tests. I’ve had so many blood tests in the past year. That’s why I’m up so early (shhh…it’s early for me), actually. I had to get blood work done before 8am to test my fasting insulin level, my cortisol, my adrenal glands…which may be the same test as cortisol, something along those lines.

Other news. I HAVE FRIENDS. The kind who do tarot readings with you and decide that your destiny is to be an assassin for hire, whose mission is to kill the patriarchy. The kind who call for crappy “Chinese” takeout (Panda isn’t exactly Chinese food?) and pear ciders when one of us has had a bad day. The kind who acknowledge the sexual tension among us, but who are in long-distance relationships. And the kind who can relate to where you are at in life. Which is…nowhere? The beginning? I’m not sure what this part is. But, the point is that I have friends who want to hang out with me. Not that y’all aren’t friends like that. You are.

OPINION: I am dye-ing my hair bright(ish?) red next week. And I’d love to chop off all my hair. Buuuuuut…I think I’m gonna stick with just the color? Because I also want long awesome hippie hair?

Other opinion. Trying to find affordable clothes, as a fat person, is an awful process and I hate it.

One day at a time. Things are good, today. I think. I’m going to see my niece who turned one a few days ago. I’m the terrible aunt who hasn’t ever seen her niece. Niece is going to have siblings in July. Twins!

The world makes me angry. This state makes me livid. The Church makes me livid. Still haven’t figured out what to do about all of that. Where/how to direct that anger/lividity (hehe. roll with it).

Anyway. I will be back soon. I need to write 🙂

Bye for now.

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Sometimes, you stare at your skin and you want to tear it off. Sometimes you slice into it, in lieu of tearing. Sometimes you remember being in the hospital, and all you can think of is how they ever deemed you safe enough to let out. Sometimes this makes you panic, so you cut more. Sometimes, when you panic, you hear things that aren’t there. You panic more. You cut more.

Eventually you look at yourself. 5 days without a shower. 3 without a toothbrush. Wearing the same “pajamas” you’ve worn all week. You look at yourself and see all this blood running down your stomach and you don’t understand why you’re still here. Still begging for someone to take you in and hold you.

Even if that someone is the bed in room 436.

ode to a better world

i am against same sex marriage
i am against same sex marriage
            and i am proud of it
i am against same sex marriage
            and you can hate me for it
     or love me for it
i dont have a preference
your dissent or approval
            wont make me change
     my mind

i am against same sex marriage
            because i am tired of watching
     straight people cheer for it
            thinking that this is what
     separates queer people from being
equal to straight people

i dont want your equality
i want systemic change

i am against same sex marriage
            because queer people still die
     simply because they are queer
i am against same sex marriage
            because where i live
     forty percent of homeless youth
            are queer
i am against same sex marriage
            because the form still says
     check male or female
i am against same sex marriage
            because the implication is that
     if i can get married             what else could i
                        possibly want

i want more
i want different

i dont want marriage
            straight or otherwise
there should be no reason for
            people to register their relationships
     with the county clerk

but marriage is only a symptom
            of a greater problem
i dont need anyones assimilationist
            solutions
i dont want to assimilate into
            a broken system

i dont want marriage

i want revolution

Help Wanted.

I need people. Come visit me? We could play trivia board games or sit awkwardly in silence.

I’m kind of a shut-in. But, I need people.

Come visit me?

Love Letter…Try Two.

Maybe if I stop staying up so late I will stop texting you and being disappointed when you don’t reply.

We’ve got so much to talk about.

You remember, when we were just kids, and there was that spark? Do you think we could find that again?

If so, there are some things you should know about me:

1. I don’t know how to enjoy alone-time. That doesn’t mean I couldn’t. It just means you’ll have to be patient with me while I learn.

2. I don’t know how to do halfway. I need commitment. I need sincerity. I need communication. I need them because if they aren’t there, I will run. If they are there, I will give all the commitment and sincerity and communication I can stand.

3. I don’t know how to do love. So I’m writing you this letter in the hopes that someday soon you will teach me.

I hope you’ll write back. If not, I understand.

Maybe I should go to bed earlier.

Sincerely,
Me

I took a literature by women class this past spring. We had a unit on ecofeminism, which I have a hard time with. I’m wary of things that say I have some innate quality which enables me to better relate to the earth, by virtue of being born in a body labeled “female.”

But I understand what it means to be ravished, and to have your existence allocated to someplace other than these spaces previously occupied by myself. And I don’t wish that on anyone, or anything. Does that make me an ecofeminist?

Love Letter.

I just wanted to write you a love letter.

I love you. You say you love me, but you keep disappearing. And I need stability.

Can we make this work?

What is “this” anyway?

Love,
Me

Is this anger? This mixture of betrayal and jealousy? I’m no expert…

I just, I don’t see how you don’t see how our new system is…well…awful.

I want you to want to spend hours with me, again. I’m not sure when that stopped happening.

I don’t trust or like your girlfriend. And, no. I don’t think she comes first when things are new.

And I don’t think it’s fair that you decide not to spend time with me so that you can spend twelve hours with your girlfriend. Again.

I miss my best friend. You get angry every time I say that.

I hate that we fight all the time. I’m just trying to convey that I’m really not in a good way and I don’t think being left alone for so long, so much, is safe.

Stay with me. Just a little longer.

Cheesecake.

It’s after 3am and my roommates are busy violently killing one another via the new Xbox One. I was so looking forward to Jennifer coming home from work and him asking me about my day. Instead, he’s playing video games with his little brother (my other roommate…I don’t think he likes me). So, I am sulking.

I need to come out to my mom, and I don’t know how to do that. There’s never a good time. Ever.

I feel like I’ve been forced into being a woman, and I don’t like it one bit. Not that I feel like I’m supposed to be a man. I just feel like I want to be…me. And sometimes me likes men’s clothes, and sometimes me likes women’s clothes, and sometimes me likes to combine them. Sometimes I feel like I’m a woman. But not always. But I’ve got these massive spheres attached to my chest and these hips that double as shelves, so people keep calling me “she” and “her” and I just want to be Dani. Just Dani.

I haven’t told Jennifer. He’s going to freak when I do. Something about reading too much Queer Theory and self-fulfilling prophecy.

I had to tell someone, though, so I’m telling you.

Sometimes I’m a woman. Sometimes I’m something else. I’m always just Dani.

I think that Jennifer’s new girlfriend is trying to make nice by making me cheesecake. I think she thinks I’m mad at her because I poured my heart out to her about loving Jennifer last summer, but he didn’t love me back and I was depressed and she was kind of my person.

If Jennifer likes her, I’m happy for them. I just am confused as to why this is happening now…when I was just in the hospital and I need people and Jennifer is half my support system.

I feel like he’s running.

Because I’m more than he signed on for.

I don’t blame him.

I just wish he could’ve waited a while longer to get twitterpated. I miss my best friend.

Shattered Glass Castles.

Hey. Sorry it has been so long. Quick recap of Dani’s life since August:

Moved in with Jennifer. We’re not dating.

Panic attacks.

Failing 18 credits.

Panic attacks.

Voluntary admission to the psych ward, where I slept better than I have in years.

Back to the real world, where I forget to take showers and stop eating, and Jennifer wants to date a coworker I’ve liked for a really long time.

Trying not to be bitter…about Jennifer drawing boundaries between us, or deciding he wants to date someone I really like. The heart wants?

I miss writing, but I feel like I have nothing to say. Everyone keeps trying to put me back together and I just want time to grapple with being broken. I just don’t know why everyone is in such a hurry for me to be “normal.” I’m just learning basic life lessons.

You shower because it makes you clean, not because it makes you clean for someone else.

I didn’t know that, before.

And I just want time to lie here among the shards of glass. See what they have to teach me about myself. Everyone else is in such a hurry to sweep the shards up, and get out the glue gun.

I just want time to hurt.