i am…starting a new blog project. this one contains so much of jennifer in it, and i need some space from it–while still having a place to write. the other place is a work-in-progress, so don’t judge me too harshly just yet. this other blog is supposed to be a collaborative effort, but it has mostly just been me. if you’d like to join the collaboration, shoot me an email @ dwarnick91 at gmail dot com. make some note of some sort about wanting to join the fun in the subject line.

in the meantime, head over to my new space:


so it begins.

so i’m going to start writing about my recovery process.

“recovery from what?”

good question. from my abusive relationship with myself.

i just wanted to give you a head’s up, so you can make an informed decision whether or not to keep reading my blog.

people suck. the end.

Keep your personal and professional life separate.

Unless you’re Mormon. Then talk extensively about the missionaries you know, the people in your ward, and the religion classes you’re taking.

Unless you’re straight. Then talk extensively about the people you date and are attracted to.

Unless you’re cisgender. Then talk about all the just girly things all the time.

But god forbid you be a queer, trans, ex-Mormon and even hint at your existence.

That shit just makes people uncomfortable.

learning to make music

My hips are slowly gyrating as I imagine the shapes your mouth makes as you speak.
I’d kiss you hard on the mouth, hoping the tingling of lips, yours and mine, would reach your beautiful brain. Synapses relaying the message
That I want to get to know every inch of you.
Body, and brain, and soul.
I think sometimes that I’m not a spiritual person
But when I think of what it’d be like to fall asleep to the sound of your breathing, to the rhythmic palpitations of muscle and not metaphor
If this is all there is. Right now. With you.
Turn up the volume.

not a temple.

cw: mention of self-harm, eating disorders




my body is not a temple

the cuts on my skin

are not vandalism

the binges

not money-changers

whips only brought out when i

say so

i don’t need a recommend here

no restoration needed

let the signs of wear

of age of trauma of storm


my body is not a temple

with sparkling chandeliers

and spotless tile floors

a supposed refuge from

The World

my body is worn out

run down

bruised scarred breaking bursting

in the world      of it

and more sacred than a building

of brick and mortar

will ever be

you know that place, when the depression gets so bad that you can’t feel anymore. you’re completely overloaded and then your mind tries to protect itself by shutting off your ability to feel.

and you can’t manage to get to work, or to school, or even out of the house.

and you don’t want to be an inconvenience, so you keep it all to yourself.

what i want you to say to me:

let’s run away.

i miss you.

i’ve been thinking about you.

let’s hang out. right now.

how are you, really?

let me give you a hug.

you are a beautiful person.

okay, that one was actually funny.

i know you can’t get out of your head, so i’m coming in.

go ahead, sing along.

can i make you dinner?

come here. scoot closer.

throw away your scale. those numbers aren’t important.

play me a song!

it’s okay. i can just sit here and hold your hand if you don’t want to speak.

you are smart. you are intelligent.

you got this.

let me tell you about my day.

i like having you around.

we should do this more often.

you are important to me.

i care about you.

you matter.


guess who’s back…

Hi! I know it’s been forEVer since I posted something coherent. It’s before 11am, so here’s hoping I can do coherent. Ready…go!

WHERE HAVE I BEEN: Okay. So, I moved out of Jennifer’s and back home. It was sort of mutual, but mostly not. It was mostly Mom and Jennifer fostering my move and me bawling and cutting and feeling like there was absolutely no point in living. I haven’t seen Jennifer since I moved, but we talk. We’re supposed to still be besties, but I’m not sure. But it’s okay, even if we aren’t as close as we were. Time to learn how to be my own person. Helps to not be doing anything else. No job (looking…I just don’t want to work fast food or call centers. So…custodial, again?), no school (supposed to go back in May, but maybe I’ll wait until August. We’ll see.), living at home, broke as…a broke person who’s lucky enough to not really have any bills right now. I’m feeling kind of spoiled, and then I start thinking about more responsibility and I have a major panic attack. I guess that means we’ll stick with the chauffeuring brothers around and trying to keep my space clean (seriously so much harder than it should be. Why do I crave mess so much?) and doing admin-y stuff for YMF.

NEWS: I am going through early menopause? But not. Something about a possible disconnect between my pituitary and my ovaries. More blood tests. I’ve had so many blood tests in the past year. That’s why I’m up so early (shhh…it’s early for me), actually. I had to get blood work done before 8am to test my fasting insulin level, my cortisol, my adrenal glands…which may be the same test as cortisol, something along those lines.

Other news. I HAVE FRIENDS. The kind who do tarot readings with you and decide that your destiny is to be an assassin for hire, whose mission is to kill the patriarchy. The kind who call for crappy “Chinese” takeout (Panda isn’t exactly Chinese food?) and pear ciders when one of us has had a bad day. The kind who acknowledge the sexual tension among us, but who are in long-distance relationships. And the kind who can relate to where you are at in life. Which is…nowhere? The beginning? I’m not sure what this part is. But, the point is that I have friends who want to hang out with me. Not that y’all aren’t friends like that. You are.

OPINION: I am dye-ing my hair bright(ish?) red next week. And I’d love to chop off all my hair. Buuuuuut…I think I’m gonna stick with just the color? Because I also want long awesome hippie hair?

Other opinion. Trying to find affordable clothes, as a fat person, is an awful process and I hate it.

One day at a time. Things are good, today. I think. I’m going to see my niece who turned one a few days ago. I’m the terrible aunt who hasn’t ever seen her niece. Niece is going to have siblings in July. Twins!

The world makes me angry. This state makes me livid. The Church makes me livid. Still haven’t figured out what to do about all of that. Where/how to direct that anger/lividity (hehe. roll with it).

Anyway. I will be back soon. I need to write 🙂

Bye for now.