guess who’s back…

Hi! I know it’s been forEVer since I posted something coherent. It’s before 11am, so here’s hoping I can do coherent. Ready…go!

WHERE HAVE I BEEN: Okay. So, I moved out of Jennifer’s and back home. It was sort of mutual, but mostly not. It was mostly Mom and Jennifer fostering my move and me bawling and cutting and feeling like there was absolutely no point in living. I haven’t seen Jennifer since I moved, but we talk. We’re supposed to still be besties, but I’m not sure. But it’s okay, even if we aren’t as close as we were. Time to learn how to be my own person. Helps to not be doing anything else. No job (looking…I just don’t want to work fast food or call centers. So…custodial, again?), no school (supposed to go back in May, but maybe I’ll wait until August. We’ll see.), living at home, broke as…a broke person who’s lucky enough to not really have any bills right now. I’m feeling kind of spoiled, and then I start thinking about more responsibility and I have a major panic attack. I guess that means we’ll stick with the chauffeuring brothers around and trying to keep my space clean (seriously so much harder than it should be. Why do I crave mess so much?) and doing admin-y stuff for YMF.

NEWS: I am going through early menopause? But not. Something about a possible disconnect between my pituitary and my ovaries. More blood tests. I’ve had so many blood tests in the past year. That’s why I’m up so early (shhh…it’s early for me), actually. I had to get blood work done before 8am to test my fasting insulin level, my cortisol, my adrenal glands…which may be the same test as cortisol, something along those lines.

Other news. I HAVE FRIENDS. The kind who do tarot readings with you and decide that your destiny is to be an assassin for hire, whose mission is to kill the patriarchy. The kind who call for crappy “Chinese” takeout (Panda isn’t exactly Chinese food?) and pear ciders when one of us has had a bad day. The kind who acknowledge the sexual tension among us, but who are in long-distance relationships. And the kind who can relate to where you are at in life. Which is…nowhere? The beginning? I’m not sure what this part is. But, the point is that I have friends who want to hang out with me. Not that y’all aren’t friends like that. You are.

OPINION: I am dye-ing my hair bright(ish?) red next week. And I’d love to chop off all my hair. Buuuuuut…I think I’m gonna stick with just the color? Because I also want long awesome hippie hair?

Other opinion. Trying to find affordable clothes, as a fat person, is an awful process and I hate it.

One day at a time. Things are good, today. I think. I’m going to see my niece who turned one a few days ago. I’m the terrible aunt who hasn’t ever seen her niece. Niece is going to have siblings in July. Twins!

The world makes me angry. This state makes me livid. The Church makes me livid. Still haven’t figured out what to do about all of that. Where/how to direct that anger/lividity (hehe. roll with it).

Anyway. I will be back soon. I need to write 🙂

Bye for now.

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Sometimes, you stare at your skin and you want to tear it off. Sometimes you slice into it, in lieu of tearing. Sometimes you remember being in the hospital, and all you can think of is how they ever deemed you safe enough to let out. Sometimes this makes you panic, so you cut more. Sometimes, when you panic, you hear things that aren’t there. You panic more. You cut more.

Eventually you look at yourself. 5 days without a shower. 3 without a toothbrush. Wearing the same “pajamas” you’ve worn all week. You look at yourself and see all this blood running down your stomach and you don’t understand why you’re still here. Still begging for someone to take you in and hold you.

Even if that someone is the bed in room 436.