Cheesecake.

It’s after 3am and my roommates are busy violently killing one another via the new Xbox One. I was so looking forward to Jennifer coming home from work and him asking me about my day. Instead, he’s playing video games with his little brother (my other roommate…I don’t think he likes me). So, I am sulking.

I need to come out to my mom, and I don’t know how to do that. There’s never a good time. Ever.

I feel like I’ve been forced into being a woman, and I don’t like it one bit. Not that I feel like I’m supposed to be a man. I just feel like I want to be…me. And sometimes me likes men’s clothes, and sometimes me likes women’s clothes, and sometimes me likes to combine them. Sometimes I feel like I’m a woman. But not always. But I’ve got these massive spheres attached to my chest and these hips that double as shelves, so people keep calling me “she” and “her” and I just want to be Dani. Just Dani.

I haven’t told Jennifer. He’s going to freak when I do. Something about reading too much Queer Theory and self-fulfilling prophecy.

I had to tell someone, though, so I’m telling you.

Sometimes I’m a woman. Sometimes I’m something else. I’m always just Dani.

I think that Jennifer’s new girlfriend is trying to make nice by making me cheesecake. I think she thinks I’m mad at her because I poured my heart out to her about loving Jennifer last summer, but he didn’t love me back and I was depressed and she was kind of my person.

If Jennifer likes her, I’m happy for them. I just am confused as to why this is happening now…when I was just in the hospital and I need people and Jennifer is half my support system.

I feel like he’s running.

Because I’m more than he signed on for.

I don’t blame him.

I just wish he could’ve waited a while longer to get twitterpated. I miss my best friend.

Shattered Glass Castles.

Hey. Sorry it has been so long. Quick recap of Dani’s life since August:

Moved in with Jennifer. We’re not dating.

Panic attacks.

Failing 18 credits.

Panic attacks.

Voluntary admission to the psych ward, where I slept better than I have in years.

Back to the real world, where I forget to take showers and stop eating, and Jennifer wants to date a coworker I’ve liked for a really long time.

Trying not to be bitter…about Jennifer drawing boundaries between us, or deciding he wants to date someone I really like. The heart wants?

I miss writing, but I feel like I have nothing to say. Everyone keeps trying to put me back together and I just want time to grapple with being broken. I just don’t know why everyone is in such a hurry for me to be “normal.” I’m just learning basic life lessons.

You shower because it makes you clean, not because it makes you clean for someone else.

I didn’t know that, before.

And I just want time to lie here among the shards of glass. See what they have to teach me about myself. Everyone else is in such a hurry to sweep the shards up, and get out the glue gun.

I just want time to hurt.