I haven’t been very dedicated to taking my meds. Jennifer reminded me last night that I have to take them consistently, in order for them to work. I am on a few different meds. One for the anxiety. One for the sleep issues. One for the nausea caused by the other two, and to help with the migraines. One or a combination of them results in crazy nightmares that leave me feeling paranoid in a different sense than how I usually feel. So, I haven’t been incredibly diligent in taking them, thinking that the nightmares would go away.
They are always the same. I’ve invested a fair amount of time and effort trying to ensure someone else’s safety. Then whatever was after said someone else comes after me, and I am left to my own devices. I pace through my mom’s house, my old schools, my old church buildings, my workplace, waiting for the arrival of some terrible force that is dedicated to my demise. The building that has become my fortress of safety starts to turn against me, with locks breaking and walls disappearing and windows shattering–making my fortress significantly less fortified. I call for help, and no one comes. I think about the people in my life who have inspired and believed in me (a group consisting mostly of previous teachers/instructors/professors), and wonder how they are doing. One of them shows up to tell me how I have become a disappointment, and the people who are after me arrive just after the disappointed person leaves. They talk for a great length of time about how I am all alone, a disappointment to everyone, replaceable, forgettable, and all alone. No one is going to help me. And then I wake up.
Dear Subconscious. Calm down. I don’t need my mind’s daily preoccupations magnified in Dream Land. What happened to dreaming about unrequited love or vacations on a Grecian Island someplace? Let us return to that place, yes?
For the sake of my sanity.
In other news, I am looking for a place to go hiking. Jennifer and I are trying this new thing, where we do physical activity. Apparently it is supposed to have health benefits. I am skeptical, but Jennifer seems pretty convinced. Either way, neither of us has been hiking in quite some time. Do you think any of the snow has melted in the mountains, yet?
In the words of Martin Freeman: We’re going on an adventure!