With a Capital “T”.

I like to read. This is the reason I initially considered majoring in English. I entered college as an English/Political Philosophy double-major with a pre-law designation, and will graduate (Sanity and Health permitting) next spring as an English major with a concentration in Literary Studies and a Gender Studies minor. There have been six-or-so serious changes to my major between the beginning phase and the graduation phase of my post-secondary education, part one. Double major in English, Secondary Ed/Social Work. Straight-up Political Science with a Public Policy concentration. Peace and Justice Studies and German hybrid. Peace and Justice Studies and Literature hybrid. Philosophy and Gender Studies hybrid. English, with minors in Languages, Classics, and Gender Studies. Final Stop: current program. Woot. It has been a long, stressful journey, figuring out what to do with my life.

Anyway. I like to read. Most specifically, I like to read personal accounts. Essays. Memoirs. I like to read what other people have to say about their own lives. I’ve never been interested in capital-t-Truth because I think truth is relative, in many respects. But I am very interested in what others have to say about what is true for them. After all, that is what I write. What is true, for me.

Here is a list of things that are true for me, today:

  1. I stay where I am comfortable, even if safety or well-being are compromised for the sake of comfort. Dealing with what I know is easier than adapting to new situations.
  2. Being in a healthy relationship is the scariest thing I have ever done.
  3. My worst fear is being alone.
  4. I sabotage the good things in my life because I’d rather them end because of me, and accept that guilt/shame/responsibility, than for them to end due to circumstances beyond my control and not know how to cope with that.
  5. I cut my PB&J/grilled-cheese sandwiches into four triangles. My mom used to cut my sandwiches like this. I am emotionally attached to the way in which my sandwiches are cut.
  6. I tell people I stopped wearing makeup and doing my hair because I liked using those extra fifteen minutes for sleeping purposes. I just don’t know how to reconcile learning to love who I am with changing my appearance on a daily basis. So, I only do my makeup/hair on “special” occasions.
  7. This is going to be the summer I learn to wear shorts.
  8. I keep eating compulsively because I’m losing weight and I just bought fat pants.
  9. I’m putting off going to visit my dear friend and her new baby. I don’t plan on ever having children. Visiting Am and Miss B may result in me freaking out about never having kids. But I feel guilty for not visiting, especially because I love Am so dearly.
  10. This is the summer I learn to be domestic. Cook good meals (something other than pasta…I am really good at pasta), bottle, make jams, make breads, become inventive. And do so in shorts 🙂 perhaps an apron.

That is my capital-t-Truth. For today. 🙂

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