Ritual.

I’ve found a new favorite thing. Spoken word. I stayed up until 5am on Thursday morning, watching spoken word videos on YouTube.

Jennifer makes fun of me because I’m a dork. I am. So is he, but not for spoken word.

I just find myself captivated, listening and watching other people as they put themselves out there, and they recite and relay their mind and their memories and their pain. I had intended, when I began writing, for my words to bring that same sort of catharsis. They do, in a way, to an extent. But I need to vocalize them. I need to hear the words escape my lips, so I can visualize the hurt and the guilt and the inadequacy leaving my body in the form of sound waves.

People don’t always like to listen when you need to say things like that. Heavy things. I am amazed, some days, at the obstacles Jennifer and I overcame to become such good friends. He doesn’t grapple well with emotion, and emotion is all I am. But, I am too much emotion for one person. So, here I am. Blogging, at 4:39am, trying to get all this debris cleared out of my head so I can sleep…but knowing full well that it will all have found its way back once I’ve woken up.

Do you ever get the feeling that you’re lying to yourself when you say things will turn out a certain way? Things are shifting. My brain is doing some spring cleaning. Some feng shui. Boxes are being rearranged and it is changing the way I feel about things. And people. And ideas. And living.

I know how little sense that makes. But I needed to get it out there. Maybe I’ll talk to Jennifer about it tomorrow, and it will then be gone for good.

In the meantime…sweet dreams.

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