I’m back. So soon? you say. Yes. I cannot sleep. A mixture of fever and panic attack and my usual insomnia. I sufficiently freaked myself out, and now I’m in that 45 degrees reclined position that you sit/lay (lit? slay?) in when you read, with a heating pad against my neck in the hopes that it will relieve some tension and allow me to sleep.
I have a terrible habit of reading myself into every text I interact with. Text, of course, is extended from the written word to include movies and music and such. Anyway. I was watching Parenthood on Netflix, because that’s the show I watch when everyone else in Mom’s house is asleep. Jennifer comes home from his Holiday family visiting experience at some point today, and I was thinking about how…quiet? my life is when he is gone.
And then I realized that I have done it again. And I panicked.
I was thirteen. I finally spoke to this boy. James. Such a beautiful name. I had plans for that name. I’d become best friends with the boy, and some day I would name a child after him. James. I was thirteen.
James became my entire world. For eight years, James was my universe. And then he wasn’t. And I was so…alone.
I promised myself that I would never let myself be in that position again. I would never let one person be my entire universe. And now I am awake at 4:30am, having a panic attack and blogging excessively, because I watch too many sappy TV shows and I realize how lonely life is when Jennifer is gone.
I broke my promise to my commitment issues, and I went and made one person my entire world.
Fricking genius move, on Dani’s part.
He isn’t. My entire world, that is. But he is a big part of it. And that terrifies me. Because I am learning, slowly, that in spite of their best intentions, people do not stay forever.
How do you cope with the fear of your world being thrown off its axis, concurrent with the fear of being unable to trust people? Person. Jennifer. Who I do trust…more than I trust anyone else, or have ever trusted anyone else. How do I let myself be vulnerable when I am petrified of how broken my life is going to be once Jennifer can no longer be the integral figure in it?
And so I’m having a panic attack. I will be fine, and I’ll see Jennifer tomorrow or the next day, and life will be good. I’ll remember to not over-think things, and I’ll remember that Jennifer is the commitment phob — not me. I’ll remember that if my world falls apart, I can pick up the pieces.
I’ve done it before. I can do it again.
In the meantime, I’m going to try my darnedest not to push away my best friend with my craziness. Perhaps attempt to sleep. Most importantly, have more 30-second dance parties.
Because I’m secretly Meredith Grey and my dark and twisty needs to be alleviated by some dancing.
I guess that makes Jennifer, Cristina.