selfhyphen

i am…starting a new blog project. this one contains so much of jennifer in it, and i need some space from it–while still having a place to write. the other place is a work-in-progress, so don’t judge me too harshly just yet. this other blog is supposed to be a collaborative effort, but it has mostly just been me. if you’d like to join the collaboration, shoot me an email @ dwarnick91 at gmail dot com. make some note of some sort about wanting to join the fun in the subject line.

in the meantime, head over to my new space: selfhyphen.wordpress.com

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so it begins.

so i’m going to start writing about my recovery process.

“recovery from what?”

good question. from my abusive relationship with myself.

i just wanted to give you a head’s up, so you can make an informed decision whether or not to keep reading my blog.

people suck. the end.

Keep your personal and professional life separate.

Unless you’re Mormon. Then talk extensively about the missionaries you know, the people in your ward, and the religion classes you’re taking.

Unless you’re straight. Then talk extensively about the people you date and are attracted to.

Unless you’re cisgender. Then talk about all the just girly things all the time.

But god forbid you be a queer, trans, ex-Mormon and even hint at your existence.

That shit just makes people uncomfortable.

learning to make music

My hips are slowly gyrating as I imagine the shapes your mouth makes as you speak.
I’d kiss you hard on the mouth, hoping the tingling of lips, yours and mine, would reach your beautiful brain. Synapses relaying the message
That I want to get to know every inch of you.
Body, and brain, and soul.
I think sometimes that I’m not a spiritual person
But when I think of what it’d be like to fall asleep to the sound of your breathing, to the rhythmic palpitations of muscle and not metaphor
If this is all there is. Right now. With you.
Turn up the volume.

not a temple.

cw: mention of self-harm, eating disorders

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my body is not a temple

the cuts on my skin

are not vandalism

the binges

not money-changers

whips only brought out when i

say so

i don’t need a recommend here

no restoration needed

let the signs of wear

of age of trauma of storm

alone

my body is not a temple

with sparkling chandeliers

and spotless tile floors

a supposed refuge from

The World

my body is worn out

run down

bruised scarred breaking bursting

in the world      of it

and more sacred than a building

of brick and mortar

will ever be

you know that place, when the depression gets so bad that you can’t feel anymore. you’re completely overloaded and then your mind tries to protect itself by shutting off your ability to feel.

and you can’t manage to get to work, or to school, or even out of the house.

and you don’t want to be an inconvenience, so you keep it all to yourself.

what i want you to say to me:

let’s run away.

i miss you.

i’ve been thinking about you.

let’s hang out. right now.

how are you, really?

let me give you a hug.

you are a beautiful person.

okay, that one was actually funny.

i know you can’t get out of your head, so i’m coming in.

go ahead, sing along.

can i make you dinner?

come here. scoot closer.

throw away your scale. those numbers aren’t important.

play me a song!

it’s okay. i can just sit here and hold your hand if you don’t want to speak.

you are smart. you are intelligent.

you got this.

let me tell you about my day.

i like having you around.

we should do this more often.

you are important to me.

i care about you.

you matter.

 

the junk drawer — it begins.

this is not an overhaul. this is a de-junking. i am not salvaging from the rubble the pieces of healthy habits and coping mechanisms. i am excavating. i am brushing off the dirt to reveal things that once lived here.

i don’t have so much to change. i have so much, already. all that needs to be done is to wipe off the grime that has caked itself around what i have to work with. grime that has made everything unrecognizable, but that – with the right tools – is easily removed.

this is my metaphorical teeth-cleaning?

cleaning out the junk drawer takes some time. we are going to start out with 100 days, and then re-evaluate where we are at that point in time. so, call this the 100 days of de-junking.

this is day 1: i know how to make food.

i have historically had a difficult time feeding myself. i am an expert when it comes to staring at the pantry, and then the fridge, and then the cupboard, and then back to the pantry. looking at the ingredients and turning them into a meal? that’s something i have struggled with. but, it turns out that i really do know how to make food. in fact, i know how to make food that also tastes good. amazing. today’s lunch was pretty low-key in terms of preparation. but it contained some good veggies, whole grains, fruit, and some protein. those are the important food groups, right? let it be known, world, that i can feed myself, after all.

IMAG0590

My Sandwich of Awesome: mustard, spinach, tomatoes, black olives, alfalfa sprouts, and pickles on whole grain bread.

IMAG0591

My Sandwich of Awesome, carrots, celery w/ peanut butter, banana, and glass of water. This constitutes lunch.